Strachan Jamlabel, Director of Thought Leadership and Silly Titles at leading purveryors of bullshit, KLAPTRAP.com, announced today that they were seeking Scottish Executive funding for a project that "would be the saviour of the Scottish software industry".
Thousands of jobs in the Scottish sofware industry are being lost to Indian software companies because Indian companies can produce software at a fraction of the price of their Scottish counterparts. But, that may change because KLAPTRAP has invented a brand new Scottish programming language.
Called Klaptrap Extended Enhanced Common Heuristics (KEECH), the aim of the language is to ensure that Indian software companies cannot understand it.
According to Strachan "German software companies are not losing business to Indian companies. It's all the English language countries that are being hardest hit. So, by writing a programming language in the Scots tongue, at a stroke, the Indians won't be able to understand it, and we'll all keep our jobs".
"I have always known that I was brilliant but never imagined that I would be the saviour of thousands of jobs" continued Strachan. "Beneficiaries of my brilliance can write fawning adulatory letter to me at KLAPTRAP and I will have my secretary answer them".
Here is an extract from KEECH, the saviour of the Scottish Software industry.
|
ORIGINAL
PROGRAMMING INSTRUCTION
|
KEECH
PROGRAMMING INSTRUCTION
|
| FOR | WHILE YER DAEIN THAT |
| TO | TAE |
| NEXT | CUM OAN YA BAM |
| DO | DAE IT WULL YE |
| LOOP | GO ROOND AND ROOND |
| LET | AYE OK |
| IF | SEE IF |
| THEN | AYE WELL |
| SELECT | GRAB A HAUD AE THAT |
| DECLARE | AHM FUCKIN TELLIN YE |
| FUNCTION | GONNAE DAE THAT |
| END FUNCTION | GONNAE NO DAE THAT |
| GOTO | AWAY TAE FUCK |
| SUB | GET HIM AFF THE BENCH |
| END SUB | PUT HIM OAN THE BENCH |
| CALL | GIE US A WEE SHOUT EH |
| INPUT | GONNAE GET THAT |
| RETURN | AHM AFF |
| GET | GIE US THAT |
| WRITE THAT DOON | |
| GOSUB | GAUN YERSEL BIG MAN |
| ON ERROR GOTO | SEE IF THAT DISNAE WORK |
| RESUME | START AW OWER AGAIN |
| END | THE GEMMS A BOGEY |
Here's a short sample program showing the difference between software written by an Indian company, and software produced using KEECH.
|
WHAT
AN INDIAN SOFTWARE COMPANY WOULD PRODUCE
|
THE
KEECH EQUIVALENT
|
| ON ERROR GOTO linenumber | SEE IF THAT DISNAE WORK linenumber |
| LET variable = value | AYE OK variable = value |
| PRINT values | WRITE THAT DOON values |
| INPUT variables | GONNAE GET THAT variables |
| FOR variable = value TO value | WHILE YER DAEIN THAT variable = value TAE value |
| NEXT variable | CUM OAN YA BAM variable |
| IF value THEN command | SEE IF value AYE WELL command |
| GOTO linenumber | AWAY TAE FUCK linenumber |
| GOSUB linenumber | GAUN YERSEL BIG MAN linenumber |
|
RETURN |
AHM AFF |
| END | THE GEMMS A BOGEY |