FirstFoot caught Renfrew in Deacon Brodie's
one lunchtime, skiving off from some boring debate about nuclear
dumping in the Highlands, and through sheer journalistic determination
and several large malts we were able to procure this exclusive and
revealing interview with the great man, with his guard down.
Pished, in other words.
In the interests of journalistic accuracy
we now publish the entire transcript in full, the content of which
has been fully checked and cleared by our legal department.
| FirstFoot |
Renfrew? Can
I buy you a drink? |
| MacLudge |
I shouldn't
really, I'm supposed to be voting in a few minutes. I'll have
a double Glenmorangie. No ice. Are you a journalist? |
| FirstFoot |
Does it make
a difference? |
| MacLudge |
Totally. I'll
have a pint of heavy chaser wi' that whisky while you're up.
And then let's talk fees. Exclusive. Got to be worth 10 grand.
|
| FirstFoot |
Done. |
| MacLudge |
Fire away.
My innermost thoughts are yours to plunder. |
| FirstFoot |
You're obviously
a proud Scot. But, what makes you tick? |
| MacLudge |
Bloody teenagers!
That's what. Think they sodding invented sex and everything
else that was ever naughty. Bastards! |
| FirstFoot |
So
why do teenagers make you tick then? |
| MacLudge |
Tick? Naw,
naw......ah thought ye says sick. Bloody teenagers, make us
sick like. |
| FirstFoot |
What do you
think you would be if you weren't a politician? |
| MacLudge |
No half as
bloody rich, an' that's fer sure. See me? Ah get paid squillions
just fer calling masel' a Board Director of a' these daft companies.
It gies them some sort of buzz, "oor man in parly" and a' that.
Ah dinnae huv tae do anything, like, except fer sitting roond
a table once a year wi' all the other fatcats. AGM. Stands fer
Ah Get Mine. It's the best job in the world, nae bother. |
| FirstFoot |
Moving on,
how do you feel about the Single European Currency? |
| MacLudge |
Whit? |
| FirstFoot |
The ECU. |
| MacLudge |
Whit? |
| FirstFoot |
Are you in
favour of Scotland joining a league of Euro nations or not?
|
| MacLudge |
Euro nations?
Och aye, ah'm all fer that. As long as it's no' just fer Celtic
and Rangers, and the Hi-bees get back intae thae foreigners
like when I was a laddie. Ah mind Napoli, 4-1 up from the home
leg, destroyed at Easter Road by Cropley and Stanton, 5-0. Magic.
An' Real Madrid, played aff the park by Willie Hamilton. Glory
days. |
| FirstFoot |
You
are, as you've already stated, a Director of several companies
for whom you perform no function whatsoever, other than, shall
we say, to protect their best interests in the corridors of
power. Would you deny that your various salaries are nothing
more than cash for questions, or indeed cash for votes? |
| MacLudge |
Bloody right,
ah'd deny it! |
| FirstFoot |
You've
never, at any time, allowed your business interests to cloud
your political judgement? |
| MacLudge |
An nivver said
that. Ah'm just sayin' ah nivver accepted cash fer anything.
No way. It gets paid intae one of they offshore accounts by
monthly credit. |
| FirstFoot |
So
have you, Mr MaCludge, ever voted against your conscience to
favour one of your corporate affiliations or not? |
| MacLudge |
Definitely
not. Ye cannae be a politician and huv a conscience. |
| FirstFoot |
But
what about the people who voted you in? Don't you feel some
kind of responsibility for them? |
| MacLudge |
Naebody voted
me in. Dinnae be daft. I'm one ae thae anonymous buggers that
made it in through the back-door tae make up the numbers. Fledgling
Scottish democracy, ah luv it....... |
| FirstFoot |
Can
we talk about your relationship with Madame LeFifi? |
| MacLudge |
Wir jist good
pals. |
| FirstFoot |
Maybe
so, Mr MaCludge, but is it not also true that the leaseholder
of the property within which Madame LeFifi runs her business
is in fact one Renfrew Slackbottom Whiney Weeshite MaCludge?
|
| MacLudge |
Ya bastard!
How d'ye ken that? |
| FirstFoot |
I'm
a journalist, Mr MaCludge. |
| MacLudge |
How much tae
keep it oot ae the press? |
| FirstFoot |
Shall
we say, the 10 grand for this interview, and I'll take 15% of
all profits from the massage parlour from now on? |
| MacLudge |
Done! |
| FirstFoot |
You
have been, old son, you have been. You're not really interested
in politics at all, are you? |
| MacLudge |
er...no comment,
ah think. |
| FirstFoot |
Get
the beers in Renfrew. Itıs your round. |
| MacLudge |
Anything you
say, pal, anything you say. |
|
|
