Jimmy Johnstone

Right-winger of the legendary "Lisbon Lions", the Celtic European Cup winning team of 1967, "Wee Jinky" was probably the smallest Scots player ever to play professional football, but what he lacked in stature was more than compensated for by a level of skill and ball-trickery that made George Best look positively pedestrian.

His footballing prowess was unfortunately not matched by his nautical abilities, and he was nearly banned from the Scotland football team, a month before the 1974 World Cup Finals in Germany, after a famous drunken escapade at the team's Saltcoats training camp which ended in him being swept out to sea on a stolen rowing boat, without any oars, and having to be rescued by the Coast guard.

Willie Johnston

Compounding Scotland's misery at the World Cup Finals in 1978 and elevating what was already becoming a disaster into the realms of tragedy, Willie distinguished himself by becoming the first player ever to be sent home from the World Cup Finals for failing a drugs test.

Willie always maintained his innocence and that the substance he had taken was nothing more than a "flu-tonic".

Yeah right.

Dejected, demoralised and shamed, and needing to beat Holland in their last group match by 3 clear goals to qualify for the next round, Willie's team-mates went on to play as if they were all on performance-enhancing drugs in a thrilling 3-2 victory over the eventual runners-up, a wonderfully frustrating and so typically Scottish display of what might have been, which included "The greatest World Cup goal ever" (it's official, FIFA said so) scored by Archie Gemmill.

"Bud" was banned for life from International football and later emigrated to America, where nobody much cared what substances he was using.

Maurice Johnston

"Super Mo" caused an almighty stooshie in Scottish Football when, in 1989, he became the first Catholic and former Celtic player to cross the great sectarian divide and sign for Glasgow Rangers.

Particularly when, two days earlier, he had already agreed to re-sign for Celtic and had been paraded in front of the media at Parkhead.

Mo went on to become one of Rangers' and Scotland's greatest ever goalscorers before finishing his playing career with those well known giants of World club football, Kansas City Wiz.

St. Johnstone

Always a good one for pub trivia experts, their only real claim to fame is for being the only professional football team in Britain with the letter "J" in their name, a fact which may come as something of a shock to illiterate Ranjers fanz.

Ben Johnson

Canadian Sprinter who, learning nothing from history and the precedent of his distant Scottish cousin Willie, was sent home from the 1988 Olympic Games in Seoul and stripped of his 100 metre Gold Medal for failing a drugs test.

Brian Johnston

Wonderful, wonderful English cricket commentator whose languid, off-the-cuff style endeared him to millions of listeners, many of whom couldn't care less about cricket but listened in nonetheless in the certainty that Brian would come out with something entertaining, albeit usually by complete accident.

He rarely let them down, the following being just a few classic examples of the late "Johnno" at his very best;

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey." "Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground."

"Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end."

Derek Johnstone

Former Rangers and Scotland footballer who now makes his living as an overpaid and overweight TV pundit and presenter.

Unfortunately for Derek, his undoubted gift for football did not extend to talking about it, and he appears as comfortable and at ease in front of the camera as a burglar caught on CCTV.

As a sports commentator, he does not belong on the same page as Brian Johnston, but there you go.