Brown

The Broon or "Brown" Clan can trace its origins to Glebe Street in Dundee. Related to the "Thompson" family, but deciding that "Son of Thomp" was a pile of poo, and hence creating the "Brown" association, the "Broons" were born.

"Maw" and "Paw" Broon were the respective martiarch and patriarch of this particular lowland family whose offspring, mysteriously, included children known only as "the Twins" and "the Bairn". Not surprisingly, therefore, it"s hard to be precise in untangling the strands of this most bizarre family web.

Rumour has it, however, that Maw and Paw had an illegal and pre-marital sexual relationship when they were both 13, and that the resulting love child was Craig Brown, who was promptly given away to another branch of the Broons at the insistence of a most irate Grandpaw Broon.

Grandpaw Broon was, in turn, rumoured to be the love child of Queen Victoria and her faithful "servant" John Brown. FirstFoot, of course, treats such allegations with the suspicion they deserve.

Daphne and Hen Broon had an incestuous affair in their early thirties, probably as a result of being closeted within such a claustrophopic family unit for their entire lives, and because they were both so pug ugly it was the only way they"d ever get a shag without paying a stranger. After being discovered, they both committed suicide.

Joe Broon died in a semi-professional barefisted boxing bout after slipping on some of his own hair gel.

The Twins ran away to London and, other than vague reports from the King"s Cross rentboy scene, were never seen again.

Maggie became a masseuse and currently works from home in Paisley giving French Lessons. The Bairn turned out to be a fully mature midget who was actually Paw"s sister. She now works for the Save the Children Fund in Afghanistan and has been widely tipped as a candidate for a Nobel Peace Prize.

And nobody cares what happened to the boring speccy bookworm. He was mince.

If you"re a Brown, then you probably already know that the most common traits of being a "Broon" are;

1. You will inevitably be given the nickname, "shitey".
2. If you ever become Chancellor of the Exchequer, your policy will be labelled "shitey".
3. You are shitey.
4. Even if you"re not shitey, they"ll call you "Brown-Nose".