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| Vladimir Sellitov oversees a
training session |
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Fourth Lanark supporters were left stunned
this week at the news that new owner Vladimir Sellitov had
fired everybody in the club who refused to kiss his arse.
Supporters Club Secretary “Tiny”
Castle told our reporter that Mr Sellitov had refused to meet
with a delegation of supporters to explain his actions.
“We demand answers” he said.
“At the end of the day, the club belongs to the fans,
and we have a right to know what’s going on”.
Speaking through a translator at a hastily
arranged Press Conference, however, Mr Sellitov explained
that he “couldn’t give a tinkers toss what the supporters
thought” and went on to say that “the sooner the
fans of this club realise that I am God and can do what I
bloody well please, the better it will be for everybody. Own
the club? Own the club? Do me a favour, the fans own bugger-all.
Most of them don’t even own their own TV’s, never
mind a frigging football club.”
Nicknamed “Vlad the Impala”
on account of his uncanny likeness to the African antelope,
the Lithuanian millionaire angrily refuted allegations that
his longer term interest in the club is to grind it into liquidation
and then sell the stadium and its grounds to Asda for a huge
profit.
“That’s utter nonsense”
he assured our reporter, “anyone who knows anything about
such things will tell you that Tesco are far more likely to
pay top dollar.”
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| New Chief Executive Sergei Sellitov
hears of his appointment |
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“And besides” Mr Sellitov
continued, “if I really wanted to run this club into
the ground, do you honestly think I would appoint my own son
as Chief Executive? I trust him totally to do the job he’s
been put there to do.”
New Chief Executive Sergei Sellitov,
12, has no previous experience in running football clubs,
but a source close to the family informed us that he had once
built a sandcastle “from the ground up” and that
he had extensive experience in pulling the wings off dragonflys.
It is also understood that he can tie
his own shoe laces and count to 100, but this has yet to be
confirmed.
Reacting to the deepening crisis at
Fourth Lanark, former Bayern Munich legend Alan McInally commented
that “this kind of thing never happened at Bayern Munich.
Have I ever told you I used to play for them?”
BREAKING NEWS
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O.
Watt Aluvlywar
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FirstFoot has just learned that Fourth's
Director of Duplicity, O. Watt Aluvlywar, has resigned on a point of principle.
O. Watt Aluvlywar was Mr Sellitov's staunchest supporter during
his recent court case where he was accused of genocide, arms
laundering, drug smuggling and child pornography. The case
collapsed when the whole jury resigned. Curiously each member
of the jury had inherited a massive amount of money unexpectedly.
Having established his credentials as
a man of unimpeachable integrity and a Premier Division arse-licker,
his resignation is expected to sadden nobody.
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