| Scottish
football is in the throes of a major crisis after it was announced
that "the big two" had rejected a plan for granting
TV rights in the forthcoming season.
In an exclusive interview, Fourth Lanark's
flamboyant flabby forward, Francisco Muchobelli, explained
the complex situation to our reporter.
"It's simply not on", he
complained through an interpreter. "The TV in the club
lounge is for everybody's use. But now, the big two (Fourth
Lanark Chairman Archie Bauld and Manager PR Lunatico) want
to stop us watching telly whenever we want, and are demanding
that we actually do some training instead, especially if there's
something on the other channel that they want to watch.
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Muchobelli
demands more cookery programmes
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Muchobelli continued, "Just because
they're wealthy and actually own the TV they think they can
throw their weight around and restrict our TV rights like
this without any consultation at all. It's totally unacceptable
- how am I supposed to get through the day without Ainsley
Harriot and the Naked Chef?"
Recent (Bosman) signing Oleg Breakov
from Belgian third division team Royal Anthrax was reportedly
in tears at the news, and would only say that he was "werry,
werry sad" at losing the chance to watch Breakfast Television
for the first time.
In a last-ditch attempt to negotiate
a settlement, the Fourth Lanark players had suggested that
the first team squad be given the right to a basic 40 hours
viewing a week, a reduction of 10 hours from last season.
The Fourth Lanark Board, however, rejected
the proposal out of hand and manager P.R.Lunatico later issued
the following terse statement to the press;
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Archie
Bauld tells player to "Suck on this"
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"The Board and Management of
zis fine club will not be 'eld to ransom by a bunch of greedy
losers. We 'ave made our position clear - the TV is ours and
we will watch what we like, when we like, without ze players
constantly interrupting because zey want to watch "Playschool"
or ze "Teletubbies". There can be no compromise. Zey
are effectively banned from the TV lounge as of today."
As the players left the ground in defiant
mood, Club Captain Luigi Bampotti insisted that a strike was
now almost inevitable and in an angry fit of pique tore a
football in two.
TV football pundit Alan McInally who
used to play for Bayern Munich apparently was unavailable
for any kind of inane comment that would undoubtedly have
related to that uninteresting fact.
An anonymous spokesman for the SFA,
however, who would give his name only as "Jim Farry",
did reveal to us that "this kind of labour withdrawal,
or striking, non-playing behaviour, can only be disharmonious
or exponentially harmful in the long term or over the next
few years in bringing about the kind of confused or misunderstood
communication, that is to say talking to people, that is quintessentially
required, needed and preferable in building a team, squad,
family togetherness or cohesion, call it what you will or
what you want, amongst and about our small, if not insignificant
collective.
If the members or partners of our community
can't share or equally distribute or give out toys or really
nice Christmas presents like trains and cars and guns and
corsets to the people and individual individuals who live,
breathe and eat football with them, whatever shape, form or
identity in which that ball or indeed piece of underwear might
wish to be known or identified, then there's definitely something
wrong with our game. Why oh why can't people understand that?"
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