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| So, the big line is their number
4, and that wee line is the number 5. You snort
the number 4 and I'll have number 5, and 6, and
7 |
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Fourth Lanark defender Santiago Fartypants
was last night facing a two year ban from football after failing
to attend a mandatory dope test.
Fartypants told officials that he “forgot”
to show up when requested, and although he did appear at the
testing centre two days later, the football authorities are
said to be viewing the incident very seriously.
“I just don’t know what all
the fuss is about. I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed
of. On the day I was supposed to turn up for the test I was
busy in a hotel bedroom with four other players having non-consenting
dirty sex with a 17 year old girl and it simply slipped my
mind. I’m only human for godssake.”
Fourth Lanark Manager P.R.Lunatico defended
his player in a press conference, saying that “Santiago
ees a sensible man who wouldn’t do anything silly to
jeapordise his career. The fact that he turned up for the
drug test two days later, after the cocaine had had sufficient
time to clear his system ees ample evidence of that.”
When asked to comment on the apparently
increasing practise of “Gang-Banging” amongst footballers,
Lunatico was equally adamant that his players had nothing
to be ashamed of, saying only that “At ze end of ze day,
football ees a team game”.
When questioned about rumours of a
players boycott, Lunatico was pragmatism personified. Through
barely suppressed laughter, he replied "Why you think
there eez beeg squads in football? Getting zee 11 players
who is not stoned or too, ow you say "shagged oot",
eez the main problemo, not boycotts".
"Mostly, zey are all too zonked
to play. I needz lots of playerz whoa izz not on the treatment
table. It eez deeficult to play eef you haz crabs".
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