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With no fewer than six first team regulars
missing through suspension following their brutal opening
day match with Saint Minging, manager Paulo Ravingo Lunatico
fielded his much travelled new signing from Italian side Pisa
Piss, Francisco Muchobelli.
Obviously angry with accusations in
the press that his team were "a collection of brutal
foreign scumbags", Lunatico was much on the defensive
in his pre-match talk. "Eet is nonsense. We are 'ard
but fair, and 'ave already sent flowers to the six players
we put een 'ospital."
As to whether he would continue to
adopt the same tactics that had resulted in the previous weekend's
carnage, the tight-lipped manager stated simply that we would
"'ave to wait and see."
At 65 stone, Muchobelli, nicknamed
"The Pizza Express", is by far the biggest signing
so far for the ambitious Fourth Lanark and much was expected
of him in his stopper role, playing just behind, alongside
and in front of the back four.
A carnival atmosphere greeted the teams
as they took to the field for the official opening match of
the newly refurbished Cowpat Park, but the Police were called
in to remove the travelling fair that had been illegally set
up on the pitch, and it was soon down to the serious business
of football.
From the kick-off, the class of Muchobelli
was evident to all. Controlling a difficult through pass from
the balding Russian Bogov instantly on his stomach, Muchobelli
wrapped several layers of rippling fat around the ball, trapping
it neatly just above the navel before setting off on a mazy
walk through the helpless Duncarin defence.
Defenders simply bounced off the Italian
man-mountain as he wobbled his way relentlessly towards the
goal and into the back of the net.
Mobbed by his team-mates, Muchobelli
celebrated his debut strike in his now familiar fashion, guzzling
down two deep-pan pepperoni pizza, a portion of garlic mushrooms,
four bowls of pasta carbonara and a carafe of Chianti, before
turning to fart loudly in the direction of the visiting supporters.
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Soon, the cry was going out from
the ecstatic Fourth Lanark fans, "Feed Muchobelli! Feed
Muchobelli!"
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Muchobelli
declares "I lurv Scotlanz and ze deep fried Marz
Barz"
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The game was as good as over. The hapless
Duncarin could find no answer to the trickery and skill of
Muchobelli , who was simply able to score at will. Indeed,
the scoreline might well have been much more embarrassing
for Duncarin were it not for the fact that the pace of Muchobelli
is his biggest weakness, taking sometimes as much as ten minutes
to reach the opposition goal from the halfway line.
After the game, Muchobelli was obviously
delighted and, swilling down his Man of the Match magnum of
champagne in one gulp, told reporters that he just wanted
to celebrate quietly with perhaps a small calf and a vat of
Veuve du Vernay.
If Muchobelli can avoid injury or serious
coronary disease for the remainder of the season, he seems
certain to be a massive influence in Fourth Lanark's promotion
bid.
There's no doubt after this showing
that he is just the kind of larger-than-life character the
Scottish game needs.
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