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| P R Lunatico says "all my players
are guilty until proven innocent" |
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Mayhem broke out today at Cowpat Park when it
was announced that six first team players had failed post match
drug tests.
During a 30 minute half-time interval at the
Raith Reefers game, it was alleged that the Fourth Lanark players
had borrowed a twenty pound from the referee and had returned it
with the edges covered in a mysterious white powder.
The players, Bogov, Fukov, Jerkov, Sodov,
Cokedda and Muchobelli all issued statements through their solicitors.
Each player completely and utterly denied taking any performance
enhancing drugs.
Fourth Lanark have released the players statements
to the press:
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Bogov
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
However, because of a bad head cold, I did take a cold remedy
which may have influenced the outcome of the tests. I will
immediately appeal against the findings of these drugs tests.
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Fukov
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
After a line of coke, I can't walk 100 yards, never mind run.
However, because of a bruised ankle, I did take a pain killer
which may have influenced the outcome of the tests. I will
immediately appeal against the findings of these drugs tests.
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Cokeheadda
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
I only use recreational drugs after games and the boys in
the team only agreed to try recreational drugs after I supplied
them at a discount. I will appeal immediately for the boys
to pay full price in future.
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Muchobelli
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
However, because of hunger, I did take an extra large pizza
which may have influenced the outcome of the tests. I will
immediately appeal against the findings of these drugs tests.
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Jerkov
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
However, because of a sore throat, I did take some white
powder which numbed my throat and which may have influenced
the outcome of the tests. I will immediately appeal against
the findings of these drugs tests.
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Sodov
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I have never knowingly taken performance enhancing substances.
However, because of an injured wrist, I did take an embrocation
which may have influenced the outcome of the tests. I will
immediately appeal against the findings of these drugs tests.
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The players have all been suspended from
competitive games until the League committee meets to discuss the
matter.
Bogov and Fukov will spend the time preparing
their defence. Muchobelli stated that he was hungry and was off
to prepare lunch. Cokeheadda stated that he was "off to get
wasted".
An anonymous SFA spokesman, Jim Farry, said
"this unacceptable and inappropriate drug taking must stop,
decease, halt and cease henceforth and immediately. The good name,
reputation and repute of Scotland as a land of purity, health and
clean living is at stake".
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