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Hello,
izzat Haddows?
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Shamed Fourth Lanark manager P.R.Lunatico
today admitted that he had "an alcohol problem" and
that he needed help in overcoming it.
Suspicions that all was not well first
came to light after the controversial Italian had failed to
turn up for his team's thrilling 17-17 draw with Killbollocks
on Saturday.
Lunatico had spent the Friday afternoon
at a civic function where onlookers commented that he appeared
to be "drinking heavily and unsteady on his feet."
He later went on to a local Italian restaurant
where he and club Chairman Archie Bauld consumed three bottles
of Frascati, four bottles of Chianti, 18 zambucas and an unspecified
number of Peroni Beers.
The pair then went on to a popular lapdancing
club where four bottles of vintage Dom Perignon were drunk,
before finishing the night with several large brandies at
a nightclub, which they reportedly left at 4 am.
In a press conference earlier today, a
bleary-eyed Lunatico spoke openly of what he called "my
booze hell."
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PR
Lunatico unveils his latest signing, Dally Lamper,
a bhudding internationalist.
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"Of course eet is a problem. Finding
an off-license zat is open at 4 am is always a problem. I
got 'ome and discovered zat ze fridge was empty of Carlsberg
Special Brews and zere was no vino to be 'ad in ze whole house.
Zat is what I call a booze hell."
"I needed help to overcome zis problem
and my friends 'ave all rallied round to stock up my cellar
with enough drink to last a year. Zat is where I was on Saturday
afternoon. Obviously zat size of carry-out ees not something
I could 'ave coped with on my own. In future I will never
again be caught out with no drink in ze house. I am ashamed
at myself for letting zis 'appen."
Chairman Bauld angrily dismissed allegations
that the Club had a "Booze Culture" as being "ridiculous
and utterly unfounded".
At time of going to press, team captain
Luigi Bampotti was unavailable for comment. A club press officer
told us that he and the other players were all out on a "team
spirit and bonding piss-up" that was expected to last
several days.
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