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| The people who write these
are a couple of tins short of a kerry-oot |
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People that write a lot tae newspapers are
a strange breed.
Ye only huv tae cast an eye over the letters pages
ah the Herald ur the (ptui)* Scotsman tae see that there's a whole
mob, a class, a cadre ah people who really spend way too much time
readin the paper and arguin wi each other. The general impression
ye might gain is that since duellin wis made illegal, an ye canny
get the heavy horses fur the joustin these days, that these wee
diddies (upon whose hauns Time obviously lies heavy) resort tae
namecallin an verbally bitchslappin each ither as a surrogate way
ah settlin thur disputes.
However….
Fur sheer magnitude ah lunacy an breathtaking stupidiosity
the even stranger lot ur the wans that ur compelled tae write tae
"The Doc", or "Doctor Tom" in the Sunday Mail
or the Sunday Post. (Although ah'm sure that "national"
papers (i.e. English) huv similar pages, it's always seemed a particularly
Scottish obsession.)
Now, maybe ah'm wrang here.
Ah mean, help me out.
Pit yersel in the scenario:
Ye wake up an look in the mirror.
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| Spot or volcano, volcano or
spot? |
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Ye're a bit disturbed tae find that the pimple
ye've been worryin about over the past few days, huz erupted intae
a mini-Vesuvius, spewin forth fiery red, and yellow streams ah suppuratin
pus an gunk. Furthermore when ye touch it (gingerly... well of course,
gingerly) armies of wee black spiders start swarmin oot ah the open
wound an aw ower yer face and up yer arm.
Now, here's the 64,000 doubloon question: What,
I ask ye, do ye do? Who, as they say, ya gonna call?
Do ye:
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1
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Get yersel off up tae
the nearest Hospital Casualty** screamin an shoutin for
help? |
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2
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Phone your GP and make
an appointment,(cause ye huvny had a pet since the budgie
snuffed it an ye think the wee spiders ur quite cute -
ya freaky wee person ye) |
Naw, naw, naw….
Whit ye dae...apparently, whit ye dae is... write
tae a doctor in a Sunday paper!!
Notwithstanding the fact that they only ever print
about three letters a week, how could ye place such a low priority
on yer ain health that ye'd be willin tae wait for some invisible
medic tae gie ye the wance over via the medium of print - which
is no really the best way ah diagnosin most illnesses, ah'd wager.
In fact, ah'd bet ye serious money that if ye were tae ask any physician
"whit's yer preferred method fur diagnosin potentially life-threatenin
disease?", that very very few of them wid say "Oh a letter
written oan the back of a bettin slip - in crayon! That's always
the best!"
Ah suppose that it's a combination ah "no
wantin tae bother the doctor" wi "ah'd really rather no
know the whole truth" that cause this but In the Name ah The
Wee Man!!!
Now jist by way uv a sample, here's a few wee sniplets
fae the Sunday jist past:
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Q:
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I have the sensation of phlegm
in my chest and when I take a deep breath it rattles.
I had pneumonia and pleurisy last year and had a pneumonia
injection in May. Chest X-rays and blood tests were
clear, as was a camera test. Any ideas what it could
be?
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A
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A:No. But ah think ye should GET TAE a DOCTOR!!!!!!!!
Get up aff yer arse, go and PHONE THE DOCTOR!!!!!
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Q
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I'VE noticed
pale patches of skin on my face and arms. I have quite
dark skin and the patches are pink and obvious - I cover
my arms but people stare at my face. Have I got the condition
Michael Jackson suffers from? |
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A
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Well,
huvin strange colored patches on yer skin is unlikely
tae turn ye intae a 45-year-old, millionaire, plastic-surgery-addicted
child-molestin weirdo. But by the way... when people look
at ye they might no be STARIN' at ye, jist lookin at ye.
Get some make up and get a life. In that order. Or else...
GO! TO! THE FUCKIN! DOCTOR! ya stupit! halfwitted! numpty. |
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Q
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I HAVE
a swelling in my groin, which is very painful and gets
larger when I cough. My dad thinks I have a rupture. What
is this? |
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A
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Oh Jeez, this could be so many things. But you know
what? None of them is nice. You could have a hernia.
You could have a malignant growth. You could be growing
an extra testicle. But on the whole ah think it wid
be best if ye would GO TO THE (yes, you guessed) DOCTOR!!!!
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This wan wis mah favourite - fur sheer Simmers
Lovely Biscuit-takin imbecility:
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Q
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I HAD
a funny turn - my face was paralysed and I couldn't walk.
I thought I was having a stroke but after sitting down
for a few minutes things got better. My husband keeps
nagging me to see the doctor but I feel fine now. |
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A
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Ah'm no a doctor. But even ah
can recognise the symptoms of a stroke when ah see them
written doon. You thought it was a stroke, WHY DID YOU
NOT PHONE AN AMBULANCE! You stupid stupid person!!!!?????
GET TO THE DOCToR!!!!! DO NOT WRITE TO THE PAPER! GO
TO A MEDICAL PRACTICIONER! A HOSPITAL! A NURSE! PLEASE,
PLEASE GO TO THE DOCTOR…….
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Ah'd say that words fail me.
But obviously they don't.
It always fills me with a strange rage that people
can be so stupid, ah sometimes feel ill..... but ah don't want tae
take up mah ain doctor's time... an it's probably nothin…so….
Dear Doctor Tom...
Ah've been subject tae fallin doon an foamin
at the mooth when ah read the Sunday papers recently.......
| * a kinna spittin-type sound effect.
(ah know, but can you dae any better?) |
| ** ER fur wur Murcan pals |
Article contributed by wurr good Glesca pal, Scabby
Douglas
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