Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

At the very least, ah demand an SFA investigation. They could start by investigatin’ why they persevered wi that deutsches-drongo Vogts as Manager for as long as they did.

Just when qualification fae this group looked aboot as likely as Mark Thatcher dae’in an honest day’s work or George Bush saying sumthin intelligent, wur back in wi’ a shout.

Ah just cannae believe it. Ah keep hummin the theme tune fae “Mission Impossible”.

Starring Kenny Miller as Tom Cruise.

Ye could sense thur wis sumthin in the air even afore the Italy game started, a kinday positive buzz aboot Hampden. “Ah really think we could dae sumthin here today” ah says tae Maw Broon as wur takin’ oor seats.

“Och away and shite ya dirty auld minger” she says. “If ye think ah’m gonnae gie ye a hand-job under the blanket again in front ay aw these people, ye’ve another think comin! Wur no dae’in nuthin, dae ye hear, nuthin!”

Sumtimes that woman just doesnae understand me. Mind you, a wee hand-job would’ve settled ma pre-match nerves nicely right enuff.

Ma only criticism o’ the way Scotland played in either o’ these two games wis that they came oot in the second half against Italy and, right fae the first whistle, defended far too deep.

Against a team o’ Italy’s quality, invitin thum tae come ontay us like that wis askin’ fer trouble.

We might as well huv erected a 48 sheet poster across the edge o’ wur penalty area saying “Come and have a go if ye think ye’re hard enough”.

Unfortunately, Italy did, and they were. Well fuggin hard enough.

The late goal conceded against Norway wis a sickener too and could yet come back tae haunt us if we end up on the same points total as them.

If we’d kept it tae 2-0, in the event o’ the two teams finishing the section on the same points tally, Scotland wid qualify on account o’ a 2-1 superiority ower the two games between them.

Noo, however, wur even-stevens at 2-2 on aggregate, which means that overall group goal difference could now be the deciding factor. Currently, wur three goals behind the Norwegians in that respect.

So, even if Scotland win thur last two matches, Norway will maist likely only need tae pick up four points fae thur games against Moldova at home and Belarus away tae qualify fer the play-oo spot ahead o’ us.

The final outcome of this group has all the makings of an oh-so-typical near-miss Glorious Scottish Failure, riddled with a series of “If onlys”.

If only we’d won our home game against Slovenia. If only we’d beaten Moldova. If only Norway hadnae scored a last-minute winner against Slovenia. If only the SFA had taken action tae get shot of Vogts BEFORE the World Cup qualifiers started. If only Abi Titmuss wid reply tae ma e-mails invitin hur fer a shag.

If only.

As things stand, we still need a miracle.

But, as every Northern Irishman will testify, miracles CAN happen in football.

It wid be nothing less than Wattie Smith deserves.

And Abi Titmuss disnae ken whit she’s missin’ byraway.