Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

Jings, crivvens and help ma boab! Or, as ah once said tae Maw Broon up at the wee But'n'Ben when the bairns were in the next room and ah didnae want her screamin' and moanin' too loud, "Fuck me gently".

Ah cannae believe it. Seems as if a Scotland win is like catching a bus. Ye wait ages fer one tae arrive, then suddenly two come along at the same time. This is nose-bleed territory.

Berti, needless tae say, wis chuffed tae bits when ah spoke tae him. Och aye, it's a short distance frae Zero tae Hero as the Scotland manager right enough.

"Ven ze Tartan Army started singing mein name, I voz nearly in tears, Paw" he confided in me after the game.

"Get a grip and dinnae be such a softie poof, ya big fraulein's blouse" ah telt him.

Still, ah can understand him getting a wee bit emotional after aw the shite he's had tae put up wi' fae the press. He took it on the chin when things were goin' badly, so he deserves tae bask in the glory fer a wee while noo. And, if he can get us tae they finals in Portugal in 2004 ah dinnae care if he greets his wee heart out in hysterics and has wet green snotters runnin' doon fae his nose.

We shouldnae get too carried away by this most recent result though. Canada's no exactly Brazil, ken whit ah mean? Different coloured jerseys an' everything.

Funny folk, the Canadians. Ah cannae make them oot at all.

Ah went there on a wee trip no long ago and we were driving through the countryside when the tour guide pointed ootay the windae an said "Look Paw! There's a moose!"

Maw Broon near screamed the bus doon an jumped intay ma lap, but it wisnae a bloody moose at aw. It wis a big muckle elk-type beast wi' horns.

Ye'd think they could tell the difference.

Wee while later, he points oot the windae at the mountains an says "rocky mountains".

"Course they are, they're fuckin' mountains" ah telt him. Talk aboot statin' the obvious.

Next day, ah decided tae wear ma smartest tartan shirt and braces (always good fer pullin' the birds) and sure enough a fit lookin' Canadian lassie in oor group comes up tae me as we're drivin' through some pine forest or sumthin an says tae me "You look like a lumber jack".

So ah whispers tae her, "Nae bother, hen, ah'll be yer lumber fer the night, but we'll need tae wait until Maw's asleep. Room 203. Make it after midnight. And, byraway, ma name's no Jack."

The dozy cow just looked at us like ah wis speakin some foreign lingo. And she never showed up at ma room that night either.

Like ah said, funny folk, these Canadians.