Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

“Och shite, Berti, ye’ve really gone and done it noo”, ah said tae Mr Vogts, shakin’ ma heid in shocked disbelief as the final whistle blew on the first leg at Hampden.

“Ja Paw, ve really stuck it up them big time!” he gloated jubilantly.

He wis missin ma point entirely, the daft wee bratwurst gobbler. This result wis nothin tae be proud of, far from it. “Fuxxache, dae ye no see whit ye’ve done ya numpty? Ye’ve really, really, REALLY upset them now. Mark my words, it disnae do tae go aboot upsettin’ these big teams in situations like this. It just makes thum angry.”

“Vot is your point, Paw? I vos thinking you would be happy for my cheeky boys?”

Happy? Ah wis just pure terrified o’ the consequences o’ that cheek.

4 days later in Amsterdam, Berti got the point alright. Six of them. Stuffed up him as if wi’ a big pointy stick wi’ a very sharp end.

Ah knew they Oranje basturds wid make us pay, with interest.

See, if ah hud still been in charge ah wid huv guided the team tae a comfortable 2-0 home loss, lulled the Dutch intae a true sense ay security and then they’d huv been happy tae settle fer a 1-0 or 2-1 in Holland.

That way, everybody’s happy. Naebody gets embarrassed, naebody gets hurt.

But oh no, Berti hus tae go and rattle their cages, get them fizzin like a swarm o’ angry wasps whose nest huz just been poked and sure as clogs is clogs, ye’re lookin at a second leg stuffing frae a fired up team ay world class players wi a VERY big point tae prove.

Talk aboot askin’ fer trouble.

Even after all the time he’s been in charge, he’s still nae sense o’ traditional Scottish tactics at all.

Still, lookin’ on the bright side, we’re led tae believe that the team is progressing. So let’s examine the evidence.

Berti’s first game in charge wis a 5-0 thrashing at the hands of the World’s No 1 ranked team.

A year and a half later, here wis a 6-0 gubbing frae the World’s No 5 ranked team.

By my reckoning, if we keep progressin’ at this rate, we should be on for a 7-0 battering frae the World’s No 10 ranked team by 2005.

And come 2006, we should be well on course fer an 8-0 defeat tae the likes o’ Moldova or Liechtenstein.

If we dinnae stop progressin’ soon we’re gonnae become a total laughing stock.

For now though, the upshot of it all is, we’re no goin’ tae the Euro Finals in Portugal in June and England are.

Even fuckin Latvia will be at the party.

It’s enuff tae make ye boak in a bucket, so it is.