International friendly
Scotland	1	1	USA
Webster

Ah wis sittin’ next tae this real loudmouthed Yank at the game, but then, thur aw loudmouths ur they no?

“Remember the Alamo!” he shouted oot excitedly as the teams took tae the field.

“Ah remember the Alamo well” ah says tae him. “It wis a bingo club doon the Pollockshaws Road, wis it no? Used tae be a cinema.”

The American squad gets together for a training session

Could’ve been the Alhambra that ah wis thinkin of, mind. Ma recollection wis a bit sketchy, tae be honest.

Still, ah’m no sure why he wis that bothered aboot the Yank team rememberin’ it – ah’m pretty sure it wis a bit o’ a fleapit.

“Remember the Odeon!” ah shouted doon tae the Scotland team, just so’s the Murcan boy widnae be one up oan me.

See that’s the trouble wi Murcans in general – they always huv tae be superior at evrythin they dae.

Ah think it aw stems frae 1945 when they were World Champions after defeating Japan in extra-time.

Since then, everythin they dae huz tae be bigger, better. And they nivver stop fuggin braggin aboot it either.

USA on the attack

As ah soon found oot at half-time.

“Say Buddy, call this a national stadium?” says the Murcan tae us. “Back home in Houston we have bigger stadiums than this just for College teams!”

“Issat so?” ah says tae him.

“Yup. And see this pie? A Skaaatch pie you call it? Heck, that’s no snack for a grown man – back in Texas we have snacks six times that size at football games.”

“Issat so?” ah says tae him.

“Sure do. Every darned thing you can think of is bigger in Texas”.

“Every thing?” ah queried.

“Yup, every thing”

Ah wisnae gonnae just sit there and take that kind o’ shite, so ah did the one thing ah knew wid shut him up.

Ah whipped ma cock oot and schlopped it doon on ma lap.

Some exciting American wing play

“Admit it – they dinnae make thum THAT big in Texas, dae they, ya lippy cunt?”

Ah think his speechlessness spoke volumes. Didnae hear another cheep oot of him fer the rest o’ the afternoon.

Anyhows, comin’ back tae the game in hand, this wis whit ah wid call a “politically expedient” result.

Honours even. Naebdy gets upset.

See, it simply isnae a guid idea tae go pissin these Yanks aff. They huv a nasty habit o’ skelping countries that dae that tae thum.

Thank fuck Scottie Broon’s last minute winner wis ruled offside, else there wid huv been Sherman Tanks rollin doon Sauchiehall Street afore the month wis oot.

And ye widnae want that tae contend wi while ye’re dae’in yer Chrimbo Shopping noo, wid ye?

“No sirree Bob!”, as they say in Houston, apparently.