Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

See aw these doom and gloom merchants that huv been wringin thur hands and moanin oan since the draw wis made aboot how we’ve nae chance and that we’ll be lucky tae finish fourth?

Well ah’m no one ay thum.

Ah think it’s a pish easy group and we’ll definitely come top.

We will then go on tae win Euro 2008 in Austria and Switzerland at a canter, playing a swashbuckling brand of exciting, attacking football reminiscent of the Brazil team of 1970.

Then, as European Champions, our maturing young team will sweep all before them in both qualifying for and then winning the 2010 World Cup.

Ah’d better go now. Thur’s some men in white coats ootside waitin tae take me away.

Before ah do though, here’s a few interestin facts ah huv dug up aboot the countries Scotland have been drawn against which the Tartan Army might find useful on their travels.

Italy

Italy used to be part of the Roman Empire until 1922 when Mussolini took over.

Pizza was invented in Italy. The word “pizza” actually means “glorified over-priced hot sandwich” in English.

Spaghetti is the national dish of Italy and it is grown all over the country in Spaghetti farms which are heavily subsidised by the European Union.

France

In a recent survey, 98.4% of French people admitted to never washing.

Paris, the capital of France, was named after the millionaire Hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

France was the host country the last time Scotland qualified for a major finals in 1998. I was absolutely magnificent in guiding them there, just as I had been in getting them to Euro 1996 in England.

Georgia

Georgia was named after somebody called George. But it probably wasn’t George Harrison. Or George Galloway.

Georgia isn’t actually a country. It’s an American state and they shouldn’t really be allowed to play in the European Nations Cup at all.

The blind American singer Ray Charles once claimed that he had Georgia on his mind.

Ukraine

Chernobyl, the place whose nuclear power station nearly blew Northern Europe to bits, is in Ukraine.

So is Odessa, which was made famous by Frederick Forsyth in his novel “The Odessa File”, later to be adapted into a movie thriller starring Jon Voight and Maximilian Schell.

So is Kiev, which was made famous by “Chicken Kiev”, later to be adapted by Bernard Matthews into “Mini Chicken Kievs”.

Lithuania

According to “Carol Vorderman’s Big Book of Fun”, Lithuania is the only country in the world with 5 vowels and 4 consonants in its name. Apart from Guatamala.

Lithuania is one of several so-called “Baltic” countries. The word “Baltic” is actually Russian for “fuckin freezin”.

The ancestors of the modern Lithuanians were known as Balts and probably reached the area from the southeast around 2000 BC. By the 12th century the Balt peoples were split into tribal groups, all practising nature religions. The two main groups in Lithuania were the Samogitians in the west and the Aukstaitiai in the east. In what is now southwest Lithuania and in neighbouring parts of Poland were the Yotvingians, also a Balt people, later to be assimilated by the Lithuanians and Poles. But you probably knew that already.

Faroe Islands

Football is not the most popular sport in the Faroe Islands. The most popular sport by far is Whale Stabbing.

The Faroe Islands used to belong to Norway, but Norway was forced to give them back after the King of Norway lost them to the King of Denmark in a drunken game of poker.

Although part of the Kingdom of Denmark, the Faroes have been self-governing since 1948 and are not members of the European Union. This allows them to ignore the strict EU laws regarding the slaughter of protected mammals.