Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

Ah wis that bored watchin’ this load o’ shite that ah challenged the lippy South African gadjie sittin next tae us tae an International “who can be the most boring bore aboot thur ain country” competition just tae drum up some excitement.

In ma experience, South Africans are the most mind-numbingly boring people on the planet so ah knew it wis gonnae be a tough challenge, but what the heck. Ah didnae become the most successful Scotland Manager in the history o’ the universe by shirking a challenge.

“Right” ah says, “you kick off”.

“Did you know” he says proudly, wi’ that annoyingly grating accent that aw Sooth Africans (or rather Sith Efrikens as they call thumsels) huv, “did you know that South Africa is the top ranked gold producing country and has 80% of the world's platinum reserves . ?”

“That’s really fuckin interesting” ah answered, stifling the first o’ many yawns. “No, ah didnae, but did you know that Scotland is the top ranked importer of Buckfast Wine in the world, and drinks 80% of the world’s tonic wine reserves every Friday night?”

That had him reeling. But quick as a flash he came back with a curve ball;

“OK, here’s one for you. South Africa has the only street in the world to house two Nobel Peace Prize winners - Vilakazi Street in Soweto has houses owned by Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. What do you think of THAT?”

“That’s nothing” ah says, “in Greenock thurs a tenement block wi nae fewer than three convicted murderers living in it! The same fuckin buildin’ mind you, never mind the same street.”

He wis definitely on the back foot now. He knew he needed a strong response and sure enough he hit me with a doozy. A fact so boring ah near fell asleep on the spot.

“South Africa is the second largest exporter of fruit in the world.”

“Wow!” ah said mockingly, feigning just the slightest modicum of interest. “However, Scotland is the world’s biggest and indeed ONLY exporter of midget former First Ministers to Malawi.”

The gadjie knew he wis losing big time now and only a massive effort could save him fae total humiliation. He lined up his best shot and let rip;

“South Africa has 11 official languages - Afrikaans, English, Ndebele, Pedi, Sotho, Swazi, Tsonga, Tswana, Venda, Xhosa and Zulu. Beat that!”

“That’s pretty impressive” says I, “but here in Scotland with just the one language tae play with, thurs over 27 ways tae say “fuck off”, and 29 if ye include Gaelic!”

He simply had nae fuckin answer tae that yin.

“Fuck off you miserable old bastard – I’m bored with this game now” he says.

And just as he says it, up pops Kris Boyd and scores the winner wi’ what proved tae be the only non-boring piece o’ action in the entire 90 minutes.

“You lose!” ah gloated. “Twice!”

Ah huv tae admit ah’m lookin forward tae the World Cup in 2012 in South Africa and ah really really really hope Scotland make it there.

It’ll be borin as fuck though.

And that’s a fact.