Morning Jack, would you like some breakfast?

I'd love some, but allow me to pay for it would you?

Don't be bloody stupid, I'm just doing a fry up

But Kirsty, I have to consider my public position. I'll make a note in my official notebook of how many sausages and beans I have and report it back to the relevant authorities as soon as I get back to my people.

Do you want eggs with it?

Brilliant. How much do eggs cost over here? I really must be careful you know.

I've just squeezed some oranges, would you like a glass?

The pool is nice and warm at this time of day, fancy a swim?

I must record how much midday bathing would cost in Wishaw swimming pool so that I can put it in my notebook. But first I must avail myself of your magnificent cludgie as I'm dying for a big keech. But I'll take notes on the quilted toilet paper of how many sheets I have used.

Lunchtime

Jack, lunchtime, glass of red?

Och, aye, just a wee wan. Did ye see my notebook anywhere?

Did you put the chirizos and paella in your notebook?

I am a servant of my people. Of course I did. Any chance of another glass of that formidable red?

Of course.

This is Sunday isn't it?

Yes.

Don't tell my father next time you see him. Enjoying yourself on a Sunday wisnae something ye wurr allowed tae dae when ah was a laddie. Any more of that red?

And this is something that you intend to visit on the Scottish people with your no smoking, no neds, no dog shit policies?

This isnae Newsnight, so ah can say, "aye". Any more of that red?

Laughs

Afternoon

Any more of that red? Where's ma notebook?

It's on the table beside you.

Aye, that'll be it. See me, see organisation. Any more of that red?

Mid afternoon

Any more of that red? Where's ma notebook?

It's on the table beside you.

Aye, that'll be it. See me, see organisation. Ah'm away for a shite again.

Early Evening