Senior police officers call for Taser guns to be introduced in Scotland

Following calls from a senior police officer for electronic stun guns to be introduced in Scotland, Scottish police forces are to be trained in the use of Electro-cardiographic machines that monitor heart activity.

Civil liberty groups have warned that the Taser gun, which delivers a 50,000 volt shock, may be fatal if the recipient has a heart condition.

"It is imperative that all new equipment delivers benefits to society as a whole" said Chief Constable Idi Amin. "And for that reason we will be equipping all officers who carry Taser guns with the necessary training".

FirstFoot has obtained an exclusive copy of the guidlines that officers should adhere to before they contemplate using Tasers.

GUIDELINES ON THE USE OF TASER STUNGUNS It is essential that all police officers adhere to these guidelines before sending 50,000 volts up the arses of the general public. The following situations are appropriate for the use of Taser guns: 1 Armed robbery 2 Anything that pisses you off In the event that you find yourself in one of the above situations, you must follow this procedure: 1 Order the suspect to attach electrocardiogram monitors to his or her chest. 2 Examine the graph that is output from the electrocardiogram 3 Take the appropriate action according to these guidelines: Output Diagnosis Action Suspect is perfectly healthy. Set Taser to maximum and give the suspect a right good belt of Scottish electricity. Suspect may have a very mild heart disease. Set Taser to 75% output. Administer sharp blow to suspect's head using truncheon, then give suspect a belt with the Taser. Suspect has a severe heart disease. Shout "boo", three times very loudly. Suspect is already dead. Seek immediate counselling from a police psychologist. Note: You may be able to apply for honourable discharge on full pension due to post traumatic stress disorder.