Scotland's dynamic and interesting First Minister announces an end to sectarianism

"A historic event" was how Shagger McConnell described the first Scottish summit on sectarianism.

With representatives from 30 organsiations including religious leaders, politicians, football clubs and the Orange Lodge, Shagger declared the event a great success.

A spokesperson for the Scottish Executive said that there had been a full and frank discussion and that a 3,000 point, 200 year plan had been agreed. A budget of £730,000 had been agreed to advertise the success of the strategy and a further £125.46 had been allocated to fund anti-sectarian initiatives.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland, Cardinal Feckoff Prodibastardi said that the Catholic church in Scotland would lead the way. He announced that from henceforth Catholics would not have to attend confession if they talked to a Protestant. "As long as the unclean are repentant and in the process of converting to Catholicism, then the Faithful will have commited no sin" he declared.

The leader of the Free Church of Scotland said that they would "match the Papist bastards pledge for pledge" and would no longer advocate "burning Papist heretics at the stake" except on Sundays and other special days of worship.

Leaders of Scotland's leading football clubs said that they would throw their weight behind the issue and would be urging their supporters to fight outside their grounds in future.

Denying suggestions that inner-city poverty, chronic ill-health, unemployment and under-investment were far more serious issues, the Scottish Office spokesperson said that eradicating sectarianism was the key to all Scotland's problems. "If we eradicate bigotry then people in London will see what a great country we are. They will invest more money in us. That will provide more jobs, bring more people out of poverty and mean that people enjoyed better health".

In an off-the-record briefing the same spokesperon admitted that the summit was likely to have little impact. "When politicians with no balls and no vision seek to secure a place in history, they tend to look to grand gestures such as this".