Scotland got its first major result at the 2002 Manchester Commonwealth Games before the opening ceremony had even begun.

Charles Allen, of Hamilton, Lanakshire, achieved a lifetime best performance by going further than any other man in the Commonwealth, outside of Royalty, had ever gone before.

Gratuitous nudity - what the Queen's bum might have looked like a long time ago. FirstFoot imagines it's wrinkly and saggy now

He touched the Queen's bottom.

Mr Allen, boss of the Games' Organising Committee and Chairman of Granada TV, denies the accusation vehemently, but a press photographer captured the moment when he certainly appears to give the Royal arse a wee pat as he is showing Her Majesty to her seat inside the stadium.

Showing her where her box is, you might say.

Precisely what a photographer was doing pointing his lens at the Queen's bottie in the first place can only be guessed at, but let's just say the picture appeared on the front page of a tabloid well known for concentrating on bums and tits.

A hand, possibly very similar to the one alleged to have touched the queen's arse

We can probably look forward to the forthcoming publication of "100 Top Royal Arses", a special edition Sunday supplement of glossy photographs to grace any coffee table.

Touching any part of the Queen's anatomy, never mind the erogenous zones, without her permission is a major, heavy jelly offence that in days gone by used to carry the death penalty, so it's hardly surprising that Charlie is denying his apparent breach of protocol.

Only three people are believed to have touched the Queen's bottom and got away with it, although two of them, suspiciously, are now dead.

Prince Philip, obviously, has been allowed access on several occasions, although it is widely believed that an "out of bounds" order currently exists.

Well, that's his knighthood fucked

A palace spokesman has also revealed that the Royal Nanny had unlimited access to the wobbly cheeks of Windsor for wiping duties from birth until the age of four, and that the Queen's father who at the time was also known as "The King" , used to occasionally smack the young Princess Elizabeth's backside when she was being "a naughty little minx."

What is absolutely certain is that nobody from Hamilton has ever touched a Queen's bum before, or even got close to it, and for that, FirstFoot thinks that Mr Allen definitely deserves a Gold Medal.