Sir Walter Raleigh - inventor of the bicycle and wacky-baccy

Sir Frances Drake looking pleased after playing with his balls

Admiral Nelson who has a big column

Captain James Cook who circumcised the globe

Sir Francis Chichester - a man with a nautical tool

Mike Pollard - a doughnut

From that proud seafaring nation that gave us such heroes as Sir Francis Drake, Admiral Nelson, Walter Raleigh, Captain Cook and Francis Chichester we bring you the greatest of them all, the magnificent Mike Pollard.

Who he?

He the dozy prannet who recently attempted to sail the 700 miles from Scotland to Iceland in a 12 foot rubber dinghy, the nautical equivalent of cycling from Land's End to John O'Groats on a toddler's tricycle. With flat tyres.

Intrepid adventurer or thick as mince? You decide.

The self-employed builder from Liverpool set out from Kinlochbervie in Sutherland, one end of his dinghy entirely loaded down with tins of Heinz baked beans, his favourite grub (and now with handy ring-pull tops for easy opening in the middle of the North Sea).

So weighed down with baked beans and riding so low in the water was the craft, it was virtually sinking before he even got underway. Having to bail out continually almost as soon as he got into open sea, the inevitable happened just 20 miles into his journey, and poor old Mike had to call the Coastguard on his mobile to ask him to come and save his soggy ass.

The Coastguard, to put it mildly, was not amused, and not just because the call for help came in the middle of the night. He had already warned Mr Pollard not to attempt such a foolhardy trip, regardless of being overloaded with beans, in such a small and inadequate vessel, powered only by a 5hp outboard motor and tiny sail.

Stornoway Coastguard Angus Murray said: "He told us his plan and we said it was a pound to a penny that we would have to rescue him."

Obviously not a betting man, Mr Pollard set sail into the sunset and one of the world's most inhospitable seas regardless.

He was eventually plucked to safety by the Lochinver lifeboat, whose Coxwain Neil Gudgeon commented: "I couldn't believe anyone would be so foolish as to try a daft thing like that."

Neil obviously hasn't come across many Liverpudlians before.

A relieved Mrs Pollard back home in Liverpool summed up her husband's ordeal saying: "I think it was the Heinz Baked Beans that did for him. He had too many tins."

Honestly, you couldn't make up better stuff than this.

So God Bless you, Mike, you're our kind of hero. But perhaps you should stick to the Mersey Ferry in future.