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Having missed out on hosting
the Ryder Cup, Scotland's sporting chiefs have hit on a novel
way of boosting the nations' spirits.
In an exclusive interview with FirstFoot,
Lackie Moral-Fibre, the head of the Government-funded Sport is
Terribly Good Fun, revealed that Scotland would bid for the Olympic
Games in 2008.
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World
class shagger
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World
class drinker
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"As an extremely important global
sporting nation with globally recognisable sporting heroes like
Jocky Wilson (darts and drinking) and Frank McAvennie (Football
and Burdz), it is time Scotland hosted an important sporting event".
"I have been given a budget by
King Shagga. It is modest, but with
matched funding from commercial interests, I am sure that we can
reach the target figure of £ 20.
We have approached the owners of a
number of world class venues and I am confident that we can get
the infrastructure in place in time.
The proposed venues are:
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Sport
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Venue
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Comments
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| Athletics |
Shawfield Greyhound Racing Stadium
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Once the dog shit from Greyhounds is cleaned up, and we
get a wee roller over the track and paint some lines, then
this bijoux and compact stadium will be just the job. They
do a fine burger and onions, by the way.
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| Rowing |
Forth & Clyde
Canal |
With a wee bit
of effort we can get the supermarket trolleys, abandoned cars,
sofas and dead greyhounds out in time for the big day. |
| Swimming |
Loch Ness |
A world renowned venue. Long enough for the distance races
and short enough for the sprints. And if Nessie doesn't
sort the men from the boys, the water temperature will.
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| Shooting |
Possilpark |
Easiest decision
we had to make. Lots of guns and plenty of target practice. |
| Weightlifting
- to be replaced by Shoplifting |
Shared between Princes St, Edinburgh and Braehead Centre,
Glasgow
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Rules yet to
be devised. Scotland's likely competitors are scheduled for
parole in 2005. |
| Gymnastics |
Sarry Heid and
Masonic Arms in Govan. |
The parallel
bars. |
| Hockey |
Cancelled |
Cancelled owing
to the fact it's keech. |
| Archery |
Cancelled |
See above |
| Canoeing |
Cancelled |
Ditto |
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