There has been much outrage in the Scottish broadsheets recently about the membership policies of the Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers who are hosting the British Open golf tournament at Muirfield golf course in East Lothian.

Apparently, these terrific chaps have a far-sighted way of dealing with members who are other than male, white, anglo-saxon and rich. FirstFoot takes some liberties in the paraphrasing, but basically the rule reads:

If ye dinnae huv a white willie an' a big fat wallet, then fuck aff, yer no getting in an' ye cannae play oan wurr golf course eether. Naw, dinnae send us any questions, jist fuck aff.

FirstFoot applauds such progressive thinking in this age of increasing liberalisation. However, we would suggest that the following rules should also apply:

No blacks	No mentally handicapped	No socialists
No muslims	No lesbians or gays	No musicians
No female underarm hair	No working class riff-raff	No newspapers apart from The Telegraph

FirstFoot would like to see a new Bill in the Scottish Parliament making all Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers golf courses public parks. The Bill would also allow for the running of free busses from all Scottish urban housing estates.

Cannabis cafes would be allowed and help centres for gay one-legged lesbians would be opened.

Any other suggestions are welcomed in the Forum.