"We are not fat cat lawyers, inept prosecutors, senile judges and corrupt policemen"

Colin Boyd, the Lord Advocate, or Heid Bummer of the Scottish legal system, yesterday called for the press to stop stereotyping the legal profession as being "remote, aloof and autocratic".

His contention was that stereotypes of "fat cat lawyers, inept prosecutors, senile judges and corrupt policemen", did not serve the public well.

The remarks made at a £3,000 per head, 16 course Masonic dinner, were well received by his audience of lawyers, prosecutors, judges and policemen.

As he was carried into the dining hall on a gilded peacock throne by 20 scantily dressed female "legal assistants", the Lord Advocate demonstrated his common touch by showering the peasantry assembled at the entrance with copies of his biography "A common Man, but a rich One".

In a speech later in the evening, Lord Hangemanfloggem, the senior Scottish judge, called for a referendum on Scottish independence. "Now that we have a Labour government in Westminster, it is time for Harold Wilson to give the people of Scotland what they want".

His Lordship continued in a similar vein, touching on contemporary issues such as mini-skirts, The Beatles and Carnaby St. His speech climaxed with a call for women not too burn their bras "otherwise their tits will droop".

The highlight of the evening was a collection for the Convicted Policeman's Support Fund which raised £236,000.

A fleet of Rolls-Royces and Daimlers took the assembled guests back to their large town and country houses. Unfortunately 14 pedestrians were run over by a definitely not senile judge. The Lord Advocate has issued instructions that the victims' families should contact his secretary's secretary who would do something about it eventually.