Lauder-Themanor

Today, Tarquin Lauder-Themanor, fresh from the re-capture of Dumfries and Galloway from the Scottish Nationalists at the UK General Election, declared that this was the beginning of the end of the Scottish Parliament.

As Scotland's only Westminster MP for the landowning classes, Tarquin warned the Scots that the tide had turned away from Scottish independence. "A large Gin and Tonic please you small insignificant Scottish serving person, and bloody well make it snappy" were Tarquin's first significant utterances as the new Tory MP for the genteel folk of the Borders.

"You bloody buggers had better realise that we're back, we're back for good and we're bloody well going to make you buggering bastards pay for our existence" warned Tarquin.

Fuelled by several large G & T's, Tarquin warmed to his theme. "You buggering blighters, you smelly Jock nonentities, you horrible dog dirt on my shoes" he stormed, "the next cull of animals is going to start with all you horrible little tax avoiding, subsidy addicted, national health abusing, local Government sorts".

As the froth poured from his mouth, Governments vets, specially trained to handle such occasions, administered a substantial amount of sheep tranquisliser to the buttocks of the over-emotional MP. As he was led away in a fetching, buckles at the back Sheila McCartney creation, the old Etonian and former aide to Keith Vazzeline was heard to mutter "This is just the beginning ......................."