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DRUG TESTING FOR SCOTLAND'S DOPEY DRIVERS
From June 2001 Scotland's police will
be empowered to carry out a new set of roadside tests for drivers
suspected of being under the influence of drugs.
The tests, devised in the US, are supposedly
foolproof, but we remain hopeful that sensible Scottish fools may
yet prove to be immune, and suggest that readers of FirstFoot start
practicing these "Dope Test" routines now and keep going
until you can still do it proficiently even after twelve spliffs
of Nepalese Temple Ball.
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OFFICIAL POLICE DRUG TEST
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| Estimate 30 seconds while standing feet together,
eyes closed and head tilted back. |
| Touch the nose with one index
finger, then the other, three times. |
| Walk in a straight line, turning
and walking back. |
| Stand on one leg for a set period of time.
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The police will also look for tell-tale
symptoms such as sweating or unusually rapid speech.
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Drugs
which allegedly produce some of the symptoms the polis will
be looking for
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LSD
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Marijuana
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Ecstasy
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Speed
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If you fail any of the above, they will
have grounds for taking you in for a blood test. If that happens,
the game's up.
Unless, of course, you're just a sweaty
Ned who can't count to 30 or stand up straight. Immediately, therefore,
this test is flawed, particularly in Cumbernauld.
We believe the following techniques,
devised in Scotland, would be far more effective in ascertaining
the guilt or otherwise of a suspected drug-taker;
1) Ask the suspect why their spacecraft
is melting. If he/she appears to have the remotest idea what you're
talking about, they are almost certainly on LSD.
2) Reassure the suspect that, in spite
of the flashing lights and scary siren, "Big hugs" is
all you're interested in. If they respond affectionately and embrace
you tightly there is absolutely no doubt that Ecstasy has been taken.
3) Take the suspect for a KFC. If
he/she is able to eat it, this is a sure indication of marijuana
smoking.
4) Ask the suspect to give you a hand
with painting your front room. If they agree and go to it with relish,
finishing within two hours, they have more than likely been taking
amphetamines or Red Bull and Vodka.
5) Bang the suspect's head sharply
with a night-stick, knocking them unconscious. Ask them directly
"Have you been taking drugs?" If they don't answer, assume
guilt by non-denial and lock them up immediately, before they wake
up.
It's certainly as foolproof as any of
the above.
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