"STICKS & STONES"

The Scottish Executive has issued new guidelines to pupils and teachers which outlaw, amongst others, the word "sissy", in the latest crackdown on homophobic bullying in schools. This, surely, is another case of political correctness gone mad. It's derived from the word "sister" for Godssake. Why not go the whole hog and ban all schoolground taunts likely to cause offence?

Accordingly, I would like to draw the Executive's attention to just a few more of the cruel, upsetting and corrupting words and taunts that have no place in the minds of our children, and demand that action be taken immediately to wash the little bastards' mouths out with soap. "Fairy" liquid I suggest.

JOBBY (see also, "wee shite")

SPECCY (see also, "four-eyes")

BIG GIRL'S BLOUSE (see also, England football team)

Finally, we would like to extend our sincere apologies to Film Actress Sissy Spacek who is henceforth banned from any mention in Scotland. Maybe she could change her name to something less offensive, like "Fanny", for example.