The good news is that the FirstFoot share price is stabilising

FirstFoot.com today posted losses of £2.3bn on increased turnover of £14.60p.

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) Ms Fittie McFirstFoot declared the results as being "very encouraging".

"Compared to last years losses of £4.6bn and sales of £7.30p (seven pounds and thirty pence), we can announce a 100% sales increase, and a 50% reduction in losses".

A spokesperson for FirstFoot released the following statement to shareholders; "The company launched an agreed new strategic organisation in January 2002.

But, in March the market changed. We should have seen the signs but we didn't because we were all down The Auld Keech getting pished on a special promotion of 80 shilling. By the time we got back, the company was worthless".

CEO Fittie McFirstFoot - promoting get-your-gas-masks-here.com

FirstFoot.com had embarked on a diversification strategy, launching two ridiculously over-hyped dotcom businesses and had spent heavily on their promotion.

In an analysts note, FirstFoot declared that it launched a three-year transformation programme to reduce headcount.

The numbers of personal assistants, personal fitness trainers, personal health and beauty planners, lifestyle and spiritual gurus identified by the auditors as "adding no value", would be reduced from 1,680 to 2.

There had also been a declaration that donations to political parties of dubious right-wing values, would decrease from £1.1bn to £1.0999bn. In a footnote, the auditors noted that there had been no significant progress on either cost issue so far.

FirstFoot claimed the programme's cost reduction elements are being implemented faster than expected and that with £25bn of shareholders cash still to be spent, that the company could survive at least another 2 years before having to restructure again.

Answering shareholders questions, Fittie was unequivocal in expressing her concern for the smaller investor, "Fuck 'em".