The bold use of type in the Cultural Commission's logo depicts the bold use of taxpayer's money by a certain type of Quango dweller

While FirstFoot has always been fairly cynical about the Culture Commission set up by Jack McConnell and run by his pal James Boyle, we have to admit that we were astonished at the audacity and vision of the Commission's first set of proposals for invigorating culture in Scotland.

There is much to be admired in the detail but the proposal that is going to grab all the headlines is the privatisation of the Parliament itself.

Boyle reveals that the Cultural Commission has been approached by a major American leisure operator who seeks to capitalise on the international tourist profile of Scotland, particularly that of Edinburgh.

The Operator, who remains anonymous in the report, wishes to purchase the Scottish Parliament and convert it into a theme park to be called “Disnae Matter”.

The Operator assures the Culture Commission that there will be minimal changes to the running of the Parliament and that the current programme of meaningless legislation and vacuous debate will continue. They envisage attracting one million paying tourists a year who will be taken on guided tours around the Parliament building.

Contained within the proposal are a number of discussion points which may be contentious:

The Operator wishes to introduce an amended version of one of their internationally recognised songs. The song would be played continuously during guided tours and is to be called “It's a small Jack after all”.

MSP's would be required to wear company uniforms. The Operator submits that this would raise the dignity levels of individual MSP's and assures the Cultural Commission that debates would be audible even when MSP's are wearing the standard 22 inch yellow plastic duck's beak.

The current stock in the Parliament shop would be replaced with branded Operator merchandise including a plastic replica of Jack McConnell that would emit hot air when squeezed.

The First Minister would be required to wear a pin striped kilt and girl's blouse at all times as the Operator considers this to be the most internationally recognised “fun” symbol of the Parliament.

FirstFoot welcomes this bold strategic thinking and looks forward to the day when MSP's make a positive contribution to Scotland.

MSP's model their new corporate look