Coulport village is situated by Loch Long which is a long loch

The recent proposals to dump radioactive decomissioned nuclear submarine parts at Coulport, on the fringe of the Loch Lomond national park, have caused outrage in Scotland.

"There is absolutely no reason why this remote highland community should enjoy free heating from buried radioactive material" thundered Auchenshoogle's only Tory councillor, Tarquin Lauder-Themanor.

"There are many poor families around this area and indeed around many areas of Scotland, who would welcome a wee bit of help heating their homes in the winter".

Lauder-Themanors' proposals are to cut the submarines nuclear reactors into many much smaller pieces. These would be supplied free of charge to the poorest families in Scotland. The grateful recipients could store the waste under floorboards where it would supply free warmth for hundreds if not thousands of years.

"This is another example of Scotland benefitting from a British problem" he explained. "This sort of thing isn't needed south of the border. They've got lots more money to spend on heating and it isn't so cold down there. And that's before one considers the marginal benefits. The unique sight of entire districts glowing strangely at night would bring tourists flocking to Scotland. This would be good for Scotland and good for the Scots".

It is understood that the First Minister, Jack McConnell, is happy with the plans as long as the waste isn't buried within 20 miles of a golf course.