Tarquin Lauder-Themanor the new President Self-Elect of Scottish rugby

It was a night of long knives, the like of which Scottish rugby has never seen before and may never seen again.

The scene of the bloodbath was Murrayfield. The reason; Scotland's absolutely dreadful performance at the recent Seven Nations, Twelve Sacrificial Lambs and Namibia World Cup.

Once again Scotland failed to convince and, even worse, England won.

Yesterday, the old guard of the Scottish rugby establishment was, quite simply, brutally slaughtered. Some committee members had been in post for more than 150 years and yet, even though they had been dead for half a century and more, no mercy was shown.

Old scores which had festering for decades were settled. The coffins were unceremoniously turfed out of the board rooms of Murrayfield. The new regime installed itself and announced that changes had to be made.

“Scottish rugby is not a game played only by farmers in the Borders and the middle classes in privileged private education” boomed Tarquin Lauder-Themanor the new President Self-Elect of Scottish rugby. “Why, just the other day I saw two chaps in shell suits hitting another chap with baseball bats and I said to myself 'Tarquin, that's the future of Scottish rugby'”.

Is this the future of Scottish rugby ?

“From now on class is no barrier to progress in this sport. We will recruit in high security prisons, we will recruit in pubs, we will recruit in crack dens. We will recruit until we have an elite of brutal thugs that are unparalleled in rugby history. And the world and those English nancy boys had better watch out.”

And with those words, he was off, carried on a gilded dais by twelve nubile blondes into the inner sanctum of the Murrayfield Sauna and Massage parlour.

And in such an inspirational and much massaged member, does the future of Scottish rugby lie.

We are all immensely grateful.