"Oh when the Saints, yes when the Saints, oh when the Saints came marching in" - that was when the trouble really started.

The spread of Religion, or Christianity to be pedantically specific, and with it the seeds of bigotry, hate, squabbling and strife that have littered our history through the centuries and which afflict us to this day can be traced back to just a handful of Saints.

They have a lot to answer for.

St Ninian

St Ninian

In 325, Christianity was proclaimed the official religion of the Roman Empire by Emperor Constantine the Great.

St. Columba normally takes most of the credit, but in fact the pioneer of that religion on these shores, the first missionary entrusted by the Holy Roman Church to spread the word amongst the pagans of Northern Britain, was a Bishop called Ninian. The son of Romano-British parents, he arrived in 397 and settled on the Solway Coast near present day Whithorn where he founded a monastery known as Candida Casa.

From here, Christianity spread northwards through Galloway and Strathclyde, and his missionaries carried the Gospel into Eastern Scotland and as far north as the Shetland Islands. It would be another 170 years or so, though, before it really took off big time with the local populace.

St Patrick

St Patrick

St Patrick was not, as most people think, Irish. He was born in Dumbarton in about 389. It's also surprising to learn that, for a man so beloved by the Irish that they should eventually make him their patron saint, they didn't half treat him like shit initially.

Paddy was taken prisoner at the age of 19 in a raid by the Irish King Niall Noigiallach, and was sold into slavery in Antrim. For six years he was beaten, tortured and generally abused by his Irish captors before he escaped in 411 and fled the country.

Fortunately, Patrick was not one to bear a grudge. In 432, by which time he had become a deeply religious man, he was sent back to Ireland by Pope Germanus and for the next 30 years until his death he worked tirelessly to convert the heathen Irish to Christianity.

He achieved his goal in spades, establishing a network of monasteries, convents and churches throughout the country. From this point on, the Christian Church was here in these Isles to stay.

St.Columba

St Columba

If a Scotsman was responsible for establishing the Christian Church once and for all in Ireland, it was an Irishman who returned the favour for Scotland. Columba was born in Donegal in 521 and was ordained at the age of 30. He continued where Patrick had left off and founded several religious establishments in his home country. In 563, presumably fed up with preaching to the converted, he sailed east with 12 disciples and settled on the island of Iona, where he built a church and monastery.

By now, Ninian's early Christian influence in what would later become Scotland had all but disappeared and Columba it was who took it upon himself to re-establish Christianity here.

His missionary work took him eventually to Inverness, the Pictish capital of King Brude, where, after winning a miracle working contest (no shit!) with the local pagan priests, Columba convinced Brude that his was the true religion. Brude duly converted to Christianity, and his Pictish subjects dutifully followed suit.

The die, for Scotland, was now well and truly cast.

St.Kentigern

St Kentigern

Better known to posterity by his nickname of Mungo ("dear friend"), Kentigern is the patron saint of Glasgow and laid the foundations for the great cathedral that stands there today. Before bringing religion in the latter part of the 6th century to the heathen weedgies though, Kentigern had a fairly bad start in life and was, in fact, something of a bastard.

When his mother, Princess Tannoch, was found to be pregnant out of wedlock after being raped, her father ordered her execution. Harsh, but fair. She was cast out into the Firth of Forth in a flimsy coracle, but survived, being washed ashore at Culross in Fife where she later gave birth to her saintly son. In time, they both settled in Glasgow where Kentigern eventually became Bishop of the city and wowed the crowds with a few miracles.

His mother became renowned for her piety and was later canonised. St.Enoch, in the centre of Glasgow, is a corruption of her name, St.Tannoch.

St.Andrew

St.Andrew

Don't blame him.

None of it is St.Andrew's fault. Andy never came to Scotland, not even on his holidays.

He was only adopted as Scotland's patron saint, it is believed, after a cloud formation in the X-shaped cross of St.Andrew appeared in the sky above King Fergus' army before the Battle of Athelstaneford in 832, but that's another story.

St Mirren St Johnstone

St.Mirren & St.Johnstone

Again, no real link to Christianity. However, a few misguided souls do follow these crap football teams religiously.

Which, in the final analysis, only goes to confirm how gullible we Scots can be.